Been in a little bit of a droop recently. That is unusual as a result of lots of HUGE issues occurred final month (in a great way, I believe). Nevertheless it jogs my memory that I’m not a fan of change. I cling to the protected and cozy. I like my routine, my beautiful residence, my work – at all times structured and arranged in simply the best way I prefer it.
However change is inevitable, proper? All the pieces modifications however change itself, yada yada. But right here I’m on the precipice of huge change, yelling to myself, “I don’t wish to do that.” I’m too outdated, too set in my methods, I don’t wish to disrupt my son’s training, and so forth and so forth. I’m terrified proper now!
What’s altering? It’s the potential of shifting to a brand new place and beginning afresh – a brand new job function, a brand new residence, a brand new college, a brand new lifestyle. All of it appears a bit an excessive amount of for me. Just a few years in the past, there would have been solely pleasure, however now, worry and anxiousness are overriding any pleasure.
I’ve been eager about the phrase “buoyant” lots and the way I might use it to explain myself once I was youthful. You’d suppose juggling marriage, children, and profession and stuffing many feelings deep down would’ve weighed me down considerably, however buoyant I used to be, and buoyant I believed I might stay.
Now that I’m older and have one child who has flown the coop and one other one who doesn’t want me round a lot anymore (in truth, I’ve grow to be downright annoying), I discover that I’ve stretches the place I really feel decidedly much less buoyant.
After all, I do know why I’m feeling so blue. My husband’s most cancers prognosis, after which my father passing away immediately in 2023 left me feeling very heavy. Whereas 2024 total has been a great 12 months for me and I saved myself busy and distracted, I couldn’t actually faux through the festivities of Dussehra and Diwali. My life won’t ever be the identical once more; there are some losses that may by no means be regained.
Of late, I discover myself retreating from the surface world. I haven’t been assembly pals, and my social life has shrunk to often assembly an ex-colleague or two for after-work drinks. Uprooting myself and going to a brand new place at a time when my roots are literally a supply of consolation for me is anxiety-inducing. I would like my mattress, my favourite blanket, I like my examine desk, and sipping my chai on my sofa. Ugh! Anybody else could be leaping at this chance, and right here I’m dragging my heels and making an attempt to point out enthusiasm.
Anyway, that’s how life’s been this previous month. The precise practicalities of journey and shifting are up within the air. I do know we’ll be shifting, however I don’t know when, and I don’t know what I’ll be doing once we get there. We could transfer by December, or it could take as much as April or past subsequent 12 months. I’m making an attempt to make myself comfy with all this uncertainty.
To distract my thoughts, I’ve turned to my favourite garbage actuality exhibits on Netflix.
Fabulous Lives vs. Bollywood Wives was a wonderful distraction. Trashy and enjoyable, this season, with the battle between the Delhi ladies and the Mumbai ladies, was the most effective season thus far!
I’ve additionally been watching Love is Blind: Habibi (don’t choose!). I used to be shocked by a number of the misogyny and it’s a kind of so dangerous it’s good exhibits. However total, I favored it – tons of purple flags galore, however nonetheless I discovered myself rooting for a number of the {couples}, and I used to be shocked by how real a number of the chemistry and relationships felt. I suppose for an Indian used to organized marriages, the Love is Blind idea, and the super-quick marriages and relationships aren’t as outlandish as they could appear to a Westerner.
Studying and train fell by the wayside this month. I’ve been studying science fiction shorts (Tales of your life and others by Ted Chiang), and although they’re good, it’s been a bit of heavy going, as I’ve been compelled to cease and mirror fairly a bit. These aren’t gentle tales, and I’ve been training gradual, in-depth studying. Festivals, guests, and train don’t go properly collectively, and I’ve been struggling to get again right into a routine now that Diwali is finished.
Diwali itself was a beautiful time with my mother and daughter visiting. Who knew that every one I wanted was a few enjoyable nights with them to really feel higher?
And that’s how October went for me. November, thus far has been much more of a roller-coaster of hysteria, however I’m simply placing my religion within the universe, and hoping that someway issues work out. I obtained this beautiful piece of recommendation from a good friend – to go along with an open thoughts, not be too inflexible, and be keen to make modifications and changes to the plan as wanted.
Fingers crossed 🤞 that the whole lot works out and this isn’t one thing we”ll remorse. I’ve already began consulting astrologers to get some recommendation 😀 !
